I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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