i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
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Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
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I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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