Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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