thus making me awesome and them whores
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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