i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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