If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
