you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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