How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
