Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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