ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
