i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
