You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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