You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Sorry about my life...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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