Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We were destined to go to rehab together
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
