have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
