The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
