The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
