i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
