I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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