I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
