Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
FUCK WHALES
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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