At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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