I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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