We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
