currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
