it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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