"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I got inside last night via doggy door
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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