i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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