just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
