Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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