I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
