The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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