you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
