Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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