I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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