I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
