She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
