You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
