my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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