a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
