Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
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Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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