why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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