she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
