totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
