can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
