Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
how drunk are you?
Several
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
