it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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