if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
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He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
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Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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