I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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