My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
