I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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