If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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