Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
